So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
