Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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