Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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