i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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