Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
