I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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