Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
