im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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