I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
