when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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