I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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