Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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