Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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