you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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