i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
