Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
