All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
