do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
