Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
