I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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