I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
