Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
