Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I supernannyed him into submission
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
