please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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