I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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