I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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