Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
