he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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