i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
