Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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