My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
