even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
