All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
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I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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