I'm really into asian looking animals
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
