My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
