is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
