WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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