I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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