...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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