I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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