I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The best revenge is premature balding
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
