I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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