I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
