Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
