I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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