I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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