Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
