So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
