I need help removing her.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
