doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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