Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
