if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
