There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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