im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize